Flosstrophobic

You know that person who can eat whatever, brush whenever, floss never, yet every dentist visit yields the same phrase: "no cavities here!"? I've never been that person.

Until today!

About a year ago, I went in with a major toothache that ended up in a root canal. Plus 8 cavities. EIGHT. I was a twice-daily brusher, occasionally more often than that. I flossed seldom, but I was very good with my fingernails. I couldn't believe it - who gets eight cavities between dentist visits?? While the hygienist was scraping away, she asked about my flossing habits. I sheepishly admitted I didn't floss as much as I should. I could tell it was a common tale for her to hear - it didn't even phase her. But to cover her bases, she gave me a line she probably gives everyone who comes in with bleeding gums and missing teeth (no, I'm not at that stage). She said, "The more you do at home, the less we have to do here, and it's cheaper."

Cheaper??!? Well, why didn't you SAY SO??? No one had ever put it into bargain terms for me before, and Frugalese is a language I speak. From that day I decided I was going to floss daily. It's taken me how long to get that conviction? You'd think from all the nasty pictures and real-life ugly mouths I've seen, I'd be scared into the best dental hygiene possible, but it's easy to get lazy.

Today marks the second time that I've gone in for a cleaning and 1) the hygienist had very little to scrape, and 2) the dentist looked at x-rays, poked around in my mouth and said, "no cavities here!" It made me feel like this:

So if you're someone who dreads the dentist because you'll need two hands to count the number of cavities you'll have, come and join me on my bandwagon. I've been playing a different and awesome tune.

There's $50 I saved

It's no secret I love Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, it's the best show on TV. Everything about it works, including the fact that both the competition and results shows are live.

There have been some fabulous moments: Mark Ballas' love for Michael Jackson and dancing to his songs whenever possible, Apolo and Julianne's cha-cha to Salt N Pepa's "Push It", Shawn Johnson's freestyle dance, and basically every time Maksim bares his chest. Yum.

Even the results shows are great because they usually pull in cool acts and have the pros dance during the chorus of the song. Hello, pros dancing the paso doble when Def Leppard performed "Pour Some Sugar on Me"! A personal favorite for me was seeing Heart a couple weeks ago, too. If the music is just meh, I can usually count on the dancing being stinkin' awesome.

Tonight, the dancers couldn't redeem the mess that was Taylor Swift.

I get it - multi-platinum Grammy winner, talented songwriter, hot and smokin', blah blah blah. But the girl cannot stay on the same pitch if it's longer than a quarter note. I can't even remember who danced to her song because her voice was so bad. And it didn't look like a fluke - she wasn't sick, the mic was working just fine, her band did everything right.

Guess who won't ever buy a ticket to watch her live?

Deseret Debacle

I direct the hymns for the congregation at church every Sunday. Our incredibly fabulous organist happens to be the mother of one of my best friends, and we've known each other so long that I call her my "other mother".

She and I are of the same mind when it comes to the hymns. I am fond of many of the "familiar" hymns we sing in church, but I think there are way too many unsung heroes as well. Well, Janet finds places for them every week, and I can't recall the last time our congregation sang "Count Your Blessings" or "Choose the Right". Let's just say it's been a LONG time. And I admit, I like it that way. Janet refuses to play anything from what she calls "the sunshine section", and there are several more she won't touch because of their hokey factor. Instead, we get all the great and grandiose hymns that sound awesome on that full pipe organ: "All Glory, Laud and Honor", "All Creatures of Our God and King" "Praise to the Lord the Almighty", etc etc. Spreading the love is totally our bag, baby.

But then Janet went on a trip for her youngest daughter's graduation, and she left Kelly in charge of the pipes. Ohhh.....Kelly. Kelly is getting his DMA at USC this summer; he's an incredible musician, he's been living at my parent's house for the past several years, we've become good friends, and he knows just how to get under my skin.

He was allowed to pick whatever hymns he wanted while Janet was gone, so he took the liberty of choosing one he knew she and I wouldn't have: "In Our Lovely Deseret".

If any of the readers of this blog like/love that hymn, either accept my apology for what I'm about to say or...leave and come back after I've posted something else.

I can't stand the lyrics of that hymn. I made such a stink before the meeting started that Kelly, laughing the whole time, said he would change it if I REALLY wanted to. Well, I REALLY wanted to, but the meeting had already begun, numbers were already up, and Ted said it would be good for me to direct a hymn I couldn't stand. He even went as far as to say he'd be really mad if I changed it.

I should have changed it.

I get up to the podium and start directing away. I had a smirky smile on my face during the first verse, but got through it fine. And then the second verse started - you know what I'm talking about. That infernal verse with the lyrics that go:

That the children may live long
And be beautiful and strong,
Tea and coffee and tobacco they despise,
Drink no liquor, and they eat
But a very little meat;
They are seeking to be great and good and wise.

What was Eliza R. Snow THINKING??? I let out a bit of a giggle at "despise" because it seems so awkward to me that the word is present in any of our sacred hymns, but I had totally lost it at "very little meat". I would have composed myself within a few seconds were it not for seeing my mom in the congregation just giggling uncontrollably. Her face was red, her shoulders were shaking, and she was half-hiding behind her hymnbook. I tried to look away, but the damage was already done. I had two and a half verses to go! I'm in front of the whole congregation! I'm not allowed to lose it! But there I was, laughing away, arm waving (on beat, I might add) and Kelly at the organ, just grinning away. I saw people near guffaws in the congregation, and one usually classy, reverent woman admitted she laughed out loud.

See???? I told you not to choose that hymn! This is what happens!!!

In researching this most recent embarrassing moment, I realized I had little to be upset about. It turns out lots of people don't like the hymn and have even made up alternative words to it. In fact, people have made up LOTS of alternative lyrics to well-loved hymns. I may laugh profusely during Sacrament Meeting, but changing sacred lore is something I'd never do. (My tongue is securely stapled to my cheek)

But come on! This hymn was written in the latter half of the 1800s! It's time for an overhaul (read: throwing out) of that hymn and several others. I went down the list of hymns Sister Snow has penned, and you know what else was in there? "Truth Reflects Upon Our Senses" - that's right - the ultimate backwoods southern hymn. We used to sing that at district meeting in Georgia with our best drawl and would just giggle our whole way through it.

My full justification of yesterday's Deseret Debacle, however, came when I found the origin of the tune itself. It's from Civil War times and the tune is called "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp." 'Nuff said.