August 7, 2010

Sure, I can laugh about it now...

When you visit one particular grocery store about twice a week (lots of ice cream sales lately!), you start to recognize or even strike up conversations with some of the familiar faces. And you begin to learn who's generally friendly and who to steer away from.

I came through one day last week with a moderate-sized grocery load. I'm leaning over the cart unloading the things onto the conveyor belt while Tessa is flirting with whomever is behind us. The checker, a girl who looks like she's maybe in her early 20s (if not younger), is expressionless as she beeps every item across her scanner. She did her requisite "Hey. How are you today" sentence (I won't call it a "question" because it had none of the voice inflection of someone inquisitive, let alone sincere) as she carried on, and completely disregarded my chirpy response (I happened to be in a pretty good mood that day, considering).

But the defining moment was when she held up one of my produce bags containing some beautiful hand-picked greens to her face level and asked, in that same annoyed monotone, "What are these?" Except her version was, "whuddatheez." I half-grinned (which ticked her off even more) and said, "Brussels sprouts", and she let out the most exasperated sigh because that meant she had to look up the number on her sheets of paper. I mean, why doesn't each individual sprout come with a sticker to help out poor people like that!

Then she made some snide comment to the bagger about Cheetos when she saw I was buying some of those, too. Apparently, she hates "stuff with cheese on 'em". And of course I'm an idiot for enjoying those crunchy, neon orange love puffs.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was actually going to be in a public place (the hospital where I'm scheduled to give birth Monday morning), so I spent a little more time looking somewhat presentable, both for myself and for the sake of the nursing staff who will soon be my godsends. Once again, I was in a good mood. I got to have a lengthy phone conversation with my brother on my way to the hospital (for preliminary blood work), I looked relatively cute (which is a stretch to say considering the sheer mammoth of this belly now, AND my doubled chin that doesn't disappear when I hold my head up higher), and I was excited to be getting one step closer to meeting this little boy who has called my womb home for the last 39+ weeks. I called Ted on my way home and mentioned that since Tessa was still napping (he was at home with her), I'd go run to the store real quick for milk and bananas. And all the great cereals were 50% off. I consider it food storage.

Anyway, I see a line that has NO ONE IN IT! Every other line was full because of the 5:00 hour, so I waddle on over to it and start unloading. Then I realize why it's empty. Annoyed Monotone is there, sitting on her duff picking at her nails. I must not be the only one who knows what this means: I'm in for it again.

She's once again expressionless and insincere until I move from behind the scanner thing and she gets a look at my belly. Keep in mind that I thought I looked pretty good for 9 1/2 months pregnant. Her now famous line in our household:

"How many you got in there."

Again, not a real question. I wasn't sure I heard her right, so I tried to cover all my bases.

"I have one at home, and there's just one in here (pointing to belly)."

"Look like you gots twins. Cuz you big."

..................


......................................

Thought process: [Is she joking? Did she really say that to me? Don't females know to never insinuate largeness to other females unless you have a personal vendetta against them? Does she have a personal vendetta against me? How is that possible? I just buy groceries here!]

..........................................


Dash it all. And may God strike your skinny little body to blow up to balloon proportions if you're ever lucky enough to land a man long enough to get you pregnant, you rude little snot.

8 comments:

Kristi said...

Wow! Lacking a little class?
That's when you say, "How many grades did you pass? 'Cause you rude."

Violadiva said...

Is there a worldwide epidemic of rudeness and tactlessness? Seriously, people. I would have counted on you to have a snappy comeback (whether you used it or not in the moment) so if you had no niceness inhibitor, what would you have really said??? Remember that whole exchange in "You've Got Mail"?

Good luck tomorrow.

The Bunker Family said...

Reminds me of the chicky bagger at Vons that asked me, "Do you want paper or something?"

Karen said...

Seriously LOL ROTF with your last paragraph to the rude little snot!! That my friend, is the EXACT reason I hate this place and am sooooo excited to be moving in a month!

Jeff VanDrimmelen said...

I just about died laughing. I can so see you doing this. :) Sure does make us miss you guys, but we still think of you often and hope you are well!

The Hytes said...

My sis in law lived in Michigan and didn't see me pregnant with my second until I was 9 months along. When she saw me, the first words out of her mouth were "YOU ARE HUGE!!!" I wanted to say that to her when she was pregnant with her second, but restrained. Instead, she winded up in the hospital with Anorexia. I say embrace being pregnant! Embrace the body God gave you!!!
(2 months ago my MTC roommie asked me why I didn't tell her I was expecting number FOUR.... I had to respond, "because I'm NOT! I'm just FAT!")

Emily S said...

People need tact lessons. More people than you would hope.

At least you could say you were about to give birth, though.

Syphus Circus said...

Amen! However, I hope she gets fat without the pregnant and everyone asks her when she's due. AND, I'm not sure she should procreate.

The Cooling Rack

Baked goods are only half the story...