Luis: (6th grader, pre-pubescent) Hey miss - I just saw you have a sweat mark on your shirt. I just saw it right now when you raised your arms.
me: Oh brother. It's just sweat. Everybody sweats - it's a fact of nature.
Luis: I don't sweat. I got people.
me: I have an announcement to make that actually doesn't concern any of you, but which I'm very excited about.
Jennifer: Are you having a baby???
entire class: AAAGHHHH OH MY GOSH YOU'RE PREGNANT THAT IS SO AWESOME ARE YOU GOING TO NAME IT AFTER ME YOU'RE NOT EVEN SHOWING ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THE SCHOOL YEAR I'M GOING TO MISS YOU IS IT A BOY OR GIRL???!!!?
Milton (a boy, of course): I'll take care of it! You can bring it to school and I'll breast-feed it! [makes motions of holding and nursing a baby]me: [laughing hysterically] Um, no, I'm not pregnant. I just wanted to tell you guys that I passed all 3 of my CSET exams, which means that part of my teacher certification is over.
Jennifer: Oh. It'd be better if you were having a baby.
Sandra: (after I explained a project we'll be doing called "Adopt an Element") When I turn 18 I'm going to adopt a boy who's 19 and call him my baby.
me: Hm. Well, for now you've got the responsibility for an element baby.
Sandra: But an element can't love me back...
Ionie: Miss Allison, why did you put "Asses" in the test? Aren't you supposed to not swear? You always tell US not to.
me: That's "assess". It means "analyze" or "evaluate." Learn to spell.
Ionie: Oh. hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Surrounding students: hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
me: Okay, okay, calm down. Get your assess back to work.
me: (Teaching about objects in space) If the moon doesn't give off its own light, and the planets don't give off their own light, what's in space that does give off light?
Students: The Sun!
me: That's one object, yes. What else gives off light?
Juan, also known as Man Whore: (grinning like a Cheshire) Your smile.
A follow-up to that one:
me: How does the moon give off light?
Steven: A bunch of people with flashlights shine them on it.
Back in February:
Milton: Miss Allison, could you keep this present in your closet until Valentime's Day?
me: I'll keep it here, yes, but you know it's ValentiNe's Day, right? With an N?
Milton: Valenti..Vale...ValentiMe's Day. Yeah, that's what I said.
You get the picture of the darlings I get to hang around with daily... More to come, I'm sure.