Back to school! Back to crazy quips from my crazy kids!
1. We began the unit on graphing motion last week, so I had them begin by just graphing (mapping) their house in relation to the school. We drew the school in the middle of the paper, and then I told them they needed to put it within context of directions, so we added the North/South/East/West on each side. However, it turns out some students learned it clockwise by acronym so they wouldn't mess them up. This is because they're dumb. So one girl yelled "Never Eat Sour Worms!" as I wrote the N at the top. I reported this mnemonic to the other classes, so they thought they'd be cute and think up their own.
Gabby: No-one Eats Sea Weed.
me: Well, except sushi lovers.
Alexis: Never Exaggerate. So Weird!
me: That doesn't even make sense! Unless it's irony.
Oscar: Never Ever Smoke Weed!
me: Now that's one I think this class can remember. Nice job. Maybe we should give that advice to the colorful individuals in the back alley outside our room who allow their herbal essence to waft in here every day.
2. I thought I'd told everyone I was pregnant. I'm sure I did, but there are students who are notorious in our school for never paying attention, so I got this one today:
Andy: Hey, Allison. You looked a lot thinner last year. Weren't you thinner?
me: You know I'm pregnant, right?
Andy: Oh, you are? I didn't know.
me: [mental thought] (RUDE!!! SO WITHOUT KNOWING I'M PREGNANT YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO CONFIRM WITH ME THAT I'M FATTER THAN I WAS LAST YEAR??? #@$&%# JERK.) [verbal utterings] Oh. Well, I am.
3. I get frequent visits by several of my students from last year, whom I now miss like crazy. Two girls came by a few weeks ago and I told them I was pregnant.
Marielena: You are??? Oh, that's so great! Congratulations!
Sandra: When I walked in I wondered why your boobs were so big.
me: (Gee whiz) Well, now you know. And yes, they're getting out of control. But don't I look a little pregnant?
Marielena: No, just a little bit fatter.
me: (AAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!! What is it with 14-yr olds???)
4. I was accosted by a random 6th grader in the halls a few days after I told my own students (all 8th graders) that I was pregnant.
Random 6th grader: Is it true you're going to have a baby?
Random 6th grader: Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?
me: No, not yet.
Random 6th grader whom I don't know and have no connection with whatsoever: OOH! If it's a girl, you should name it Alejandra, and if it's a boy, AlejanDRO.
me: Why would I do that?
Random 6th grader: Because that's MY name!
me: I don't know you, nor do I have any connection with you whatsoever. Why would I name my first-born child after you, or any of my born children, for that matter?
Alejandra: Because it's me!
Upon reflection I realized a couple of things. The first was that although I was a bit annoyed (complete with eye-rolling), this girl was just as forward and petulant as I've been known to be. Go figure.
The second was that I could always save a name like that for kid #3 or 4, kinda like Jose and Lucia Es-smit did with their brood: Alvin, Hyrum, Samuel, William, Joseph, and then BAM! Don Carlos and Sophronia. Finish it off with a Catherine and a Lucy and you've got yourself an inside-out Oreo: whites on the outside, brown in the middle. It could work, especially considering most of my students are convinced I'm at least half-Mexican anyway. But if the kid pops out with Ted's coloring, we'll never get away with it. We'll have to name it Sven.