November 12, 2008

Celebration of Womanhood

I'm not a morning person. I have to force myself to get up between 5 and 5:30am (depending on that day's level of hair cleanliness) so I can catch the train to get to work with a little breathing time before the kids start marching through the door. Therefore, my face remains pretty stoic (and usually unmoisturized - crap! forgot again...) until someone in my first period cracks a joke or I get into entertainment mode.

So imagine my surprise when on my drive down to the train station, I spotted a car with this on the bumper:



Not only did I get a giggle just looking at this new variation on breast cancer awareness, but I kept a smile on my face from then until work started, remembering all the nicknames that my thesaurus-esque husband has just for women's breasts. I've written down a list that is by NO MEANS exclusive. I welcome any additions.

YA-YAS: a close relative to the ta-tas, but with an added component of ability to be "covered up" when overheard making comments. Example:
Man to male friend: And then the global economy is just going to skyrocket!
Male friend: Ya. Ya.
Man: (whispering) Where?

And don't think I didn't giggle (and still do) when the Ya-Ya Sisterhood movie came out. Hello!

HOOTERS: Made popular by that chicken-wing restaurant.

BOCCE BALLS: A new entry, inspired by the woman in this post

MELONS: And all variations on the fruit theme - casabas, cantaloupes, mangos, coconuts, pineapple (hey, I've heard it), peaches, apples, lemons, pears (shape matters), etc.

CANS: The non-recyclable kind. But VERY earth-friendly nonetheless.

CHESTICLES: For those with a particular kind of envy.

HEADLIGHTS: Still trying to figure out where the switch is.

BAZONGAS: Or bajongas. Or bongos.

MAMMARIES: The list wouldn't be complete without the anatomical name. For that matter,

TEATS/UDDERS: Utterly appropriate for nursing days. Also recently heard: "milk machines." I have creative friends.

THE TWINS: Closely related are "the sisters" and "the girls".

JUGS: Usually reserved for a large set, or in reference to a new mom whose milk "just came in" (the letdown reflex), resulting in porn-star boobs.

FRONTS: Ted's personal favorite.

CHI-CHIS: This is really the only foreign language one I know. I like the name, but these aren't the kind I have, unfortunately.

LOVELIES: Nor these.

PILLOWS: This is more my style. Especially lately.

TUNE IN TOKYO: No explanation will be given here.

FUNBAGS: No explanation necessary.

MOSQUITO BITES: All apologies to my small-breasted friends and family. Solution: get pregnant and keep nursing until you die. And...

RACK: You didn't think our blog name was in reference to baked goods, did you? hehehehehehehe

Ladies, be proud of your sets, whatever ya ya got.

23 comments:

I'm into stitches. said...

2 beebees on a surfboard. Popularized by male Syphi, not quite as 'large' as mosquito bites, nor as much fun. Ever.

Sara said...

I definitely married a SYPHUS!

The Hyer Family said...

Would your mother approve of this post? How about your dad? I thought such topics were not spoken of in your home growing up---you're such a rebel...I was dying!

Cari said...

You left out pendulums. That's post-breast feeding, of course. Good luck with that.

Jean said...

HAHAHA!!! This is fantastic. I love this very thorough collection of nicknames. I need to say "funbags" more often.

Allison, I'm a little surprised to see a boob-related blog post from you. I mean, you're such a shy person, and one can easily tell that it's a really awkward topic for you. :-P

Emily S said...

After all the stretching and shrinking and infections, I no longer think of them as mine.

Stacey said...
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Stacey said...
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Stacey said...

Hmmm... I am mentally putting together my To: list for all my girlfriends who will be receiving an email from me with a link to your post.

La La Land said...

I'd like to think that our conversation last night prompted this post (or when Alice tried to latch on to you)...I'll add one that my boss used to use for a lusty and busty co-worker of mine: the cousins. My Grandma (RIP) used to call them Bazooms. I'm sure I'll think of a few more and come back...

La La Land said...

I'd like to think that our conversation last night prompted this post (or when Alice tried to latch on to you)...I'll add one that my boss used to use for a lusty and busty co-worker of mine: the cousins. My Grandma (RIP) used to call them Bazooms. I'm sure I'll think of a few more and come back...

La La Land said...

I'd like to think that our conversation last night prompted this post (or when Alice tried to latch on to you)...I'll add one that my boss used to use for a lusty and busty co-worker of mine: the cousins. My Grandma (RIP) used to call them Bazooms. I'm sure I'll think of a few more and come back...

Kristi said...

"Bazonkers" - Like this one.
"Titties" - as in my French mother-in-law handing me my baby saying, "She needs your titty."
Loved that one.
And who doesn't know where "tune in Tokyo" comes from?! Hello! Any child of the 80s should know. Sarah Jessica before she was Carrie . . .
Thanks as always for your (tee-hee) stimulating post!

I'm into stitches. said...

What do you mean, "Would dad approve??" Where do you think half of the ideas came from?

sachia said...

Wow, Laura must be passionate about posting. Three times, go Laura!!! :) Love you!!!

Allison, read the Pawomoki or whatever the correct name of our ward mommy blg is called. I left you a note under the passage "Lipstick Jungle".

sachia said...

You are soo funny. When I used to work at Chili's resturant we would always have to yell FULL RACK when the glass trays were full so the dishwashers would grab the racks and begin to wash the dirty glasses. Every single time I yelled it I giggled or sneered. I could never get over yelling full rack at the top of my lungs to the dishwashers. I think they enjoyed it too!

sachia said...

http://music.msn.com/music/cma-awards/photos/undressed/?GT1=28003&photoidx=4

a few more for your collection

Kizzycakes said...

oh man, where have i been, post #18. um, i have to agree w/ ted -- fronts win. i'm still laughing. and lets not forget the one i never liked until i heard janet arribas throw it around outside sacrament mtg. -- tits. this post is probably my all time favorite. thanks for the giggles.

oh, and while we're on the subject, what was that woman book you were reading in cancun?

La La Land said...

Although I am passionate about this subject, I have no idea how my comment posted 3 times! I only hit enter once...

Cari said...

What the hey!?! It's been a week! Where's the new post? Huh? Is this what I get when I actually comment-I have to wait even longer for posts? Bah. C'mon, girl!

Love you and your fronts.

Melanie said...

You are hilarious. I am glad I found your blog and I am highly impressed with your immense knowledge on the subject!

Jennette said...

Excellent! I saw an ad for a Breast Cancer fundraiser with the caption, "Help Save Second Base" and it totally made me laugh.

Renee said...

Yes...fronts certainly is (are?)Ted's favorite. When I was in high school, the boys with the locker next to mine used to have a LONG list of names for boobies on the inside of their locker door. I wish I could remember some of them now. Hilarious.

The Cooling Rack

Baked goods are only half the story...