April 29, 2009

Sink or Swim

I went swimsuit shopping the other day. Did I just hear a collective, pain-laced groan? I know, I know, but during pool days, I want to get Tessa deeper into the water than just a toe-dip. That requires more of me getting wet than just my hands, feet, and my butt on the side of the pool.

So, as if swimsuit shopping weren't bad enough, I have now realized through experience what makes it worse: nursing. Here's my story.

My sister-in-law told me about a particular store that carries tankinis that have longer tops to cover my striped tummy but that also contain the most important element in any swimsuit I must purchase from here on out: underwire for my floppy boobies. Those of you who have a modest (read: so small it's hard to tell if you're a girl or a boy) rack and want a larger one, be careful what you wish for. I've been "highly developed" since I was about 12, and never did a perk grace their growth. It was like they just came in downward. Strapping them in and lifting them up and keeping the underside from sweating has been the bane of my existence ever since.

Anyhoo, so now that I'm nursing, Sag Bags is my name, and containment is my game. Hence the underwire and Spanx-inspired fit. If I could get a water-friendly corset, I would. There were only two tops in this store (I'm not telling the name for reasons you'll read about later) that fit the bill, and there was so much fabric it couldn't just be balled up in my hand like swimsuits of yore. That's what I'm talking about. I took one to the fitting room, only to discover a quandary I had not yet had to face. How do I do this when the only time I take off my nursing pads is to take a shower? Should I attempt to try on this swimsuit bare-breasted and chance that they would stay dry for one minute? That idea got thrown out real fast when I remembered what these things are capable of, so the pads went into the swimsuit, much to the relief of any future customers, I'm sure.

The top looked as good as it could when there's such a sad mess to work with in the first place. I ended up buying it, but I wasn't going to wear it out of the store, so off it came. I was tying the halter neckline back onto the hanger (I always hang up clothes I try on the same way I found them, which is why I hate bra shopping, too) when I felt the all-too-familiar tingle of milk "coming in." I only had one more pull to make on the strap - did I have time to finish it before I had to cover up my hanging pendulums? Answer: no.

I dropped the top and the hanger as the walls of this particular fitting room got a nice little milk bath. In turning to grab my pads and bra, the stream marked everything along the way, including the bottoms of the suit I had just tried on and the mirror that made me realize how suddenly grateful I am for the option of plastic surgery. I quickly got my bra on while holding those bad boys to my chest, and giggled the entire time. Poor fitting room. Thank goodness I wasn't trying on anything made of silk - that would have made for an embarrassing encounter with the manager. "I don't want this, but I have to buy it because...this piece of clothing just got soaked with my boob juice." As it was, all I had to do was a quick swipe of my shirt sleeve across those swim bottoms and no one could tell what had just transpired. To my knowledge, the store doesn't have a "You Spray, You Pay" policy, but they might want to look into it.


21 comments:

lyndsey said...

um...is this story true? i think i am permanently terrified of childbirth.

charrette said...

ahaha!

I SO cannot relate...except to the groan over swimwear! (And I am so relieved that my children are old enough to swim without me in the pool. This will not be a swimsuit summer! hee-hee!

But I am trés amused that you have a blog label for Boobs...only you!

Kristi said...

You're hilarious! Why don't we hang out more . . . ha, ha. That was punny and I didn't even mean it to be. (I really do want to see you though!) Besides, I'm one of those girls that you couldn't tell I was a girl until I had a baby.
ANYWAY, I can't relate because my milk never came in and it was a battle of wills between boob and woman to see if I could get any milk out. You could have been a wet nurse for my girls!
Hey, there's an idea. Sell the stuff - you could make a fortune!
Love your bum!

The Hytes said...

That's why I had my boobs cut off when I was 17. I cannot even imagine what life would be like nursing my 3 girls if I hadn't had a reduction earlier in life. As it was, I feel your pain. There's nothing like that "tingly" feeling coming on and not much you can do about it. I had nice circles 3 months after I stopped nursing, thinking I would be safe. Apparently my boobies thought differently.

Megan said...

That is so absolutely correct I had myself a nice giggle. Don't miss those "let down" days!

And, just know that you're not alone with your boobage. Spencer's niece caught her mom after a shower and asked her why they were so "long"... Of all the adjectives!

Jean said...

"You spray, you pay"... HAHAHAHA!! This is brilliant. Thank you, thank you, for sharing. :-)

dietcokegrrl said...

LOVE this post! Thanks for the giggle...yes, so so true (sorry Lyndsey).

Stacey said...

Wow - this post made my night! But unfortunately just reading the term "boob juice" caused that lovely let-down for me... I also LOVE that you have a blog label for "boobs". I'll need to check out all of your posts in that category later.

Cari said...

Pendulous Breast Syndrome. some of us have it worse than others... :)

I'm into stitches. said...

Wow. I just found out more about my sister than I would have preferred to know. Isn't a great deal of a good story leaving something to the imagination?? But nnnoooOOOOooo. She has to give us the play-by-play, painting a 'wonderfully' vivid image not to leave the frontal cortex anytime soon. Allison, you're the Chick Hearn of boobage. You need to put that on your CV. XOXO Dallin

Emily S said...

Hahahahaha . . . And I thought it was my body that kept me from buying a post-partum suit . . . Lucky thing is this blessed phenomena was not nearly so bad with baby #2, don't know if that's the same for all women-folk. . .

winkieburger said...

Allison, you are a great resource for what I imagine real motherhood to be like. I liken my feelings to those of lyndsey's.

Heather

peter5 said...

This is why I love reading your blog. You're great. Just a FYI, next time, just jam your fists over the nipples and press it will stop the flow. Can't tell you how many times it has saved my life.

Syphus Circus said...

Another happy reason for bottle feeding #4. I could have been a wet-nurse back in the day---YUCK! Remember our conversations last weekend...he heh hahah hehehe!

Love Ya Allison!

B Brown said...

I love the tunes and humor on your blog. This has to be one of the best leekin' story I've heard!!!

Montgomery Family said...

I have so many memories of your boobs. Too bad Amy Huff doesn't have a blog, she could probably give you a run for your money!!!

Love you!!

TerryMaryHarmon said...

I was laughing so hard my new boobs shook so much!! Your are so funny. I love you!!!

Renee said...

i'm not sure why peter is giving you advice about "jamming your fists over your nipples" but if it saved his life i guess he's gotta share. this is seriously making me rethink my longing for babies...long saggy boobs? those things are the only thing i've got going for me!!

peter5 said...

jpeter is giving advice because jpeter is a woman who has given birth to five children already.

sachia said...

Ok, this post had 19 comments and that is before I got here...I had to join the pack.

La La Land said...

You did the story justice. Although I wasn't there, I got to hear it in person the day it happened. Truly awesome....

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